11:15 AM – Free Lunch, "Medical" Marijuana and Bus Ride to the Convention. Forms To Be Passed Out for Food Stamp Enrollment.
Opening Flag Burning Ceremony – Sponsored by CNN.
4:15 PM – Address on "Being the Real You" – By (White) Former Head of the Seattle NAACP, Rachel Dolezal, and "Caitlyn" Jenner.
4:30 PM – "How to Bank $200 Million While a Public Servant, and Yet Claiming to be Broke" – Hillary Clinton.
4:45 PM – "How to Have a Successful Career Without Ever Having a Job, and Still Avoid Paying Taxes!" – Al Sharpton/Jesse Jackson (free visit to the White House for one lucky entrant).
5:00 PM– Medals of Freedom Presented to Army Deserter Bowe Bergdahl and a Sample of Baltimore Looters aka Alternative Shoppers.
5:15 PM – General Vote on Praising Baltimore Rioters, and on Using the Term "Alternative Shoppers" Instead of "Looters."
5:30 PM – Invitation-Only Autograph Session – Souvenir Photographs of Hillary and Chelsea Dodging Sniper Fire in Bosnia.
5:45 PM – Tribute to All of the 57 States – Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi.
8:30 PM – The White House "Semantics Committee" Meeting Followed by General Vote on Now Using the Term "Muslim Terrorism" Instead of the Usual "Random Acts of Islamic Over-Exuberance."
9:00 PM – "Liberal Bias in Media – How We Can Make It Work For You" Tutorial – Sponsored by CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN, the Washington Post and the New York Times.
9:15 PM – Tribute Film to the Brave Freedom Fighters Still Incarcerated at GITMO – Michael Moore.
9:45 PM – Personal Finance Seminar: "Businesses Don't Create Jobs" – Hillary Clinton.
10:00 PM – Group Denunciation of Bitter Gun Owners and Bible Readers.
10:30 PM – Ceremonial "We Surrender" Waving of the White Flag to Afghanistan, Russia and ISIS.
11:00 PM – Short Film: "Setting Up Your Own Illegal Email Server While Serving in a Cabinet Post, and How to Pretend It's No Big Deal," hosted by Hillary Clinton.
11:30 PM – "How to Offend Christians While Implementing Sharia Law in America" – "Sneaky Joe" Biden.
12:00 AM – Official Nomination of Hillary by Bill Maher and Chris Matthews.
